neverenough20

neverenough20 @ 2007-03-30T12:08:00

2007-03-30T16:17:57Z

binged last night and ate 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (they were on whole wheat bread at least haha) i also had a few dark chocolate lindts. so ya im a total loser fat ass. i need to make up for that today. im going to take an adderall shortly, and then go on a long invigorating walk to burn off my fatness from last night.

my counselor knows i stopped taking my prozac, and is begging me to get back on it. being on the prozac makes me lose my obsessive tendencies...which normally is a good thing, but not when im trying to lose weight. ive gained like 10-15 lbs since i started taking prozac. so fuck that im done with it. maybe i'll just get my prescriptions refilled and tell her im taking them. i dont want to risk getting my adderall taken away either.

neverenough20 @ 2007-03-21T18:16:00

2007-03-21T22:23:26Z

i finally got my adderall refilled and that helps me soooo much.

today i had

light n fit yogurt
orange

1/4 bag fat free popcorn

salad with hummus lots of veggies

i can do this

2007-03-15T00:13:35Z

neverenough20 @ 2007-03-14T16:23:00

2007-03-14T20:38:31Z

i really want to lose 10 pounds. i want to look like i did this time last year. ive been going on a ton of walks around the city lately...and ive been dieting. of course, ive had my relapses. like yesterday, for example. ate a ton of girl scout shortbread cookies and lindt truffles. wtf!! so today all ive eaten so far is a small orange and small apple, and im about to go to the cafeteria in a little while and im going to get a salad. and thats all im eating today. i want to throw out all the food in my room...but most of it is my roommates. she bought 3 lbs of lindt truffles...and they are so amazingly delicious...the temptation is ridiculous. i think i'll just hide them so at least they aren't in my line of vision. i have like 3 boxes of hot chocolate that my parents had bought me, im going to throw those out. everything else i have is pretty healthy...i have a ton of tuna fish which is good...i need to get back into eating that all the time (no mayo added, of course) because its high protein and fills me up better.

i've been seeing someone recently, and i really want to lose 10 pounds for him ( i mean myself too, but i really like this guy and of course my self esteem is so bad i automatically assume he won't like me for me...i have to have a super hot body to keep him around). its not that my body is so bad...i am considered thin, i get compliments on my body all the time.

but this time last year i was super thin, i was wearing bikinis and i don;t want to be cocky, but i always had the best looking body on the beach. at the point im at now, i would not even consider wearing a bikini. i have to be the definition of perfection to do that...which i definitely am not. i want my perfect stomach back most of all...tone up my ass (which is hard, cause i got the italian hips and ass thing going on, and its really easy for cellulite and grossness to start showing up, i have to constantly work at it).

ugggg i just really want to lose the weight. i've been so off track lately...but i feel really determined right now. i want to handle this problem before it gets too out of control and i start gaining way too much weight.

im back

2007-03-09T22:23:30Z

today i've had:

1 slice wheat toast with sugar free jam

1 mini-banana

coffee

1 serving chicken + rice soup

1/4 bag healthy pop popcorn

1 slice wheat toast with sugar free jam

3/4 kiwi

neverenough20 @ 2006-11-30T17:41:00

2006-11-30T21:41:37Z

ive been on adderall for a couple weeks now...and it is insane. i never want to eat anything. its amazing. i actually have to force myself to eat small amounts of food just so i dont pass out or something...ive already lost a few pounds. not to mention im kicking ass in school. yay!

neverenough20 @ 2006-11-25T20:11:00

2006-11-26T00:11:20Z

im so sick of feeling this way...of things never really being what they should...even if i think they are...its only for long enough to tease me...and then it just all goes away.

i stopped smoking pot because i have severe anxiety...and it was getting to the point where almost everytime i smoked it triggered a massive panic attack. for those of you who have had them...you know how terrible they are. so i stopped smoking...and for someone who smoked multiple times a day every day for about 2 1/2 years...it can be very traumatic. most of the friends i made during college stemmed from smoking weed. now that i don't...it means im left out of a lot activities...a lot of bonding time. i feel like a huge loner and i dont know how to deal. im sucking in my classes...terrified of what my grades will be. ive lost some weight but i still feel like a fatass.

im on prozac, (a fairly low dose my shrink says cause its only 20 mg) i thought that shit is supposed to help me. i dont know i guess i have to help myself...but i dont even know how to.

ra..make me skinny adderall. that will make me feel better.

neverenough20 @ 2006-11-08T14:07:00

2006-11-08T18:07:29Z

feelin so motivated. i love it !!

today:

some of an apple
small salad with hommus
1 packet plain oatmeal with tsp. no sugar added strawberry jam - approx 120 cals

:-) i am so determined to be beautiful.

ill have something then.

neverenough20 @ 2006-11-07T22:55:00

2006-11-08T02:55:44Z

i am a fattie. im so sick of being a fattie!!!!!!!

i need to lose 10 pounds.

FOOD IS NOT WORTH IT. JUST REMEMBER HOW YOU FELT WHEN YOU WEIGHED 130. YOU LOOKED SO SKINNY. THINK ABOUT THAT. THE FOOD WILL END YOU.

neverenough20 @ 2006-10-25T13:22:00

2006-10-25T17:24:48Z

im on kick yo.

apple
salad with lots of stuff (but again, healthy stuff) salad, mushrooms, peppers, onions, a few black olives, cucumber, hommus, and balsalmic vinegar.

neverenough20 @ 2006-10-24T19:27:00

2006-10-24T23:30:23Z

did ok today...

had some chex mix (bad i know)
an apple
a cookie (ahh)
and i just ate a salad...there was a lot of shit in it (but healthy shit) no dressing, just balsalmic vinegar.
orange

thats its for today. i have to gradually get back into my routines, or its not going to work.

tomorrow...NO chex mix! and NO cookies! as long as i cut that out...i will be fine.

neverenough20 @ 2006-10-23T20:05:00

2006-10-24T00:15:33Z

things have been kinda weird lately...

i havent really been following my routines lately...im trying hard to get back into it. i mean...i restrict...but its just different. ive been stabilized at the same weight...but i really want to lose 10 pounds. this would involve me going to the gym...ugg i need to get back on track.

ive been going to counseling every week and it really weirds me out sometimes...its bringing up so many issues that i've repressed. i only feel comfortable talking about it on here. i talk about my eating problems and everything...pretty honestly. i also finally started talking about how i was raped last year...and i never dealt with it. i just repressed it and blamed it on myself. so that is something that has been occupying my mind a lot...its all so strange really.

i feel like ive been hurting myself in other ways..im in this really strange sexually orientated 'relationship' with a guy...its about nothing but sex...and its fucked up...but it turns me on. its all fucked. i dont know.

anyway...i need to lose 10 pounds. i used to be so cute...

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-29T00:00:00

2006-09-29T04:04:33Z

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK.

i hate being so sensitive. i fucking hate everybody. i hate my life. i fucking hate everything. nothing fucking matters. nothing gets better. obviously i can never fucking be happy cause that would be too convenient. im a fat fucking ugly bitch who should be happy anybody talks to her.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK I HATE STUPID STUCK UP OVER CONFIDENT CUNTS. I HATE GIRLS. I HATE DOUCHE BAG GUYS. I HATE THAT I CAN'T GET CLOSE TO ANYBODY CAUSE IT ALWAYS GETS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME. I AM THE MOST INVISIBLE PERSON I KNOW. I DO NOTHING THAT MATTERS. I MIGHT AS WELL JUST FUCKING KILL MYSELF CAUSE NOBODY WOULD CARE ANYWAY FOR MORE THAN 2 SECONDS.

FUCK.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-19T20:44:00

2006-09-20T00:52:23Z

it's been a difficult night...i keep getting these urges to binge. i was really close to it, i was gonna have some pitas and hummus and actually took the pitas out...but then i realized that it would start with the pitas...then turn into the yogurt...and then cookies...and then i'm a fatass again. i've been choking down cup after cup of green tea...i broke my no food after dinner rule and ate a slice of fat free cheese (30 cals per slice)...but then i did some pilates so im pretty sure i burned that off. i saw a victoria's secret commercial and i saw that model's body...and it gave me some much needed thinspiration. its a struggle...as i type this its a struggle. but im sick of waking up ashamed of myself...feeling like a fat ass loser.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-18T18:38:00

2006-09-18T22:40:30Z

ive been doing ok...i binged sorta last night cause i was getting a panic attack and i know it sounds weird but they are worse on an empty stomach, cause i somehow associate it with not having eaten anything. i did well today...and i have lost a little more weight. so overall im doing pretty good.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-17T19:42:00

2006-09-17T23:46:20Z

i havent eaten much today to make for my infinite fatness. ive been getting horrible headaches from being hungry. it sucks. pills dont seem to help, plus im not one to pop mad pills anyway. one of my friends told me yesterday it looks like i'm getting smaller. i was happy, but i don't really believe it. my hip bones show a lot, but i still have a little pot on my belly. ew. im such a fatass. i wont be happy til my stomach is flatter and i see the ribs on my chest better. hotness.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-14T11:39:00

2006-09-14T15:45:16Z

i am such a fatass loser. i binged HORRIBLEY last night to the point where i felt like i was going to throw up and die. i would have just liked to puke it all up...but my fear of choking prohibits me from doing so. im restricting extra today, and working out more to make up for my fatness. i woke up this morning so ashamed of myself. i binged because i was wicked high. i need to stop smoking.

im feeling pretty motivated though, cause halloween is coming up. me and my friends are going to a show, and we're going as the characters from alice in wonderland. im going as a slutty mad hatter. i have to make a costume, and i need to be in tip top condition.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-13T15:47:00

2006-09-13T19:48:43Z

i have been so well lately, im so proud of myself. i've been going to the gym every day, doing pilates everyday, and doing really well with the eating. my short term goal is to lose 5 pounds. i want to be back down to 130 soon.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-08T10:20:00

2006-09-08T14:21:54Z

i hate that im such a fat loser. i binged last night. i fucking hate weed. and the munchies. im starting to get sick too, but i dont give a fuck im going to the gym anyway today to burn off my fatness from last night. im so pathetic.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-07T12:24:00

2006-09-07T16:26:01Z

don't have time to count the calories, but this is what ive eaten so far today:

light n fit yogurt
orange
salad w. mushr/peppers/olives/celery/a little hummus
a few pieces fresh melon
1/2 can tuna w. mustard
orange
turkey wheat wrap w/ lettuce, tomato and jalapeno

did pilates and burned 231 calories at the gym.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-06T09:24:00

2006-09-06T13:26:10Z

today so far:

1 light n fit yogurt - 40 cals
1/2 low cal pita - 30 cals
1 orange - 62 cals
salad w peppers, mushrooms, cucumber - 25 cals
1 slice whole wheat toast - 60 cals
1 apple - 70 cals
total: 287 cals

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-05T21:13:00

2006-09-06T01:15:43Z

i just threw out all the gross fat foods my stepmother got me even though i didnt ask for them. reeses peanut butter cups, goldfish, hot chocolate, cookie bars, fatty progresso soups, congo bars and canoli's. it felt really good to do it. i dont want that shit tempting me. i dont need it around.

neverenough20 @ 2006-09-05T15:50:00

2006-09-05T19:54:54Z

today so far

1 light n fit yogurt - 40 cals
1 apple - 80 calories
1 light n fit yogurt - 40 cals
1 orange - 62 cals
1 can tuna w. tsp honey mustard sauce - 185 cals

total: 407 cals

neverenough20 @ 2006-08-20T13:54:00

2006-08-20T17:55:33Z

i havent been faithful updating because ive been working nonstop, but i've been doing well. eating has been going ok, and ive been doing my pilates. thankfully ill have some much needed time off next week, so i can go to the gym finally.

today so far:

light n fit yogurt- 60 cals
tea.

total: 60 cals.

neverenough20 @ 2006-08-18T16:26:00

2006-08-18T20:31:13Z

i've been doin pretty good lately, been literally working nonstop, haven't had a day off in about 2 weeks, and those with all those kids, the running around i do with them is a great calorie burner.

today:

1 peach - 57 cals
1 plum - 69 cals
1 apple - 80 cals
1 graham cracker packet - 60 cals
3 egg whites with some sweet pepper - approx. 55 cals

total: 321 cals.

did pilates. need to go to the gym, but really hard to do so with my work schedule. thats why i bought tae bo. hopefully will do that before work tomorrow.